Again and again

By the time I was 4 years old, I suffered more than a grown-up will in a whole lifetime. I endured such pain that others can't even imagine...
And now I'm getting chemotherapy again. The first block lasted from 20 June until 26 June. For the whole time a little pipe was dangling from my body, which continually dosed something into me. For the first 4 days it was relatively mild, there was some type of chemo treatment, then 24 hours of hydration. So I "only" had to endure the nausea. Then the fifth day came. From then on, I got the chemo 24 hours each day for two days continually with concurrent hydration. From V-shaped distributors, a total of 4 pipes were attached to me, one into my port, one into my branula. The infusion pump stand looked like a Christmas-tree. It even had the colors, too, because one of the chemo drugs (called adriablastin) is red colored. Every 8 hours I got some nausea mitigating medication.
Then came the last day and finally we could come home. I was waiting for that eagerly, the chemo never took so long to drip. Sunday morning, 11 o'clock, there's only a few millilitres left, but it goes so slowly. We started watching Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire together with mum to kill the time while everything dripped down on the infusion completely. Suddenly I told mum to give me a hanky because I had a drop at the nose. At first I didn't see what was dripping from it, but then I got frightened because it started bleeding badly, emphasis on badly, blood was just flowing from it freely!! Doctor, nurse, mum, grandma, everyone gathered around me, but it was just bleeding and bleeding... the blood even went down my throat too and almost immediately we saw it come up again :( (can't put it more nicely), it was very awful, I was very scared, everyone was scared. Mum also got very frightened. Meanwhile my blood-picture was completed and it showed that I hardly had any thrombocytes left, which would decrease anyway during chemotherapy treatments, so it's sure now that I'll get blood infusion this week...
After about an hour, the bleeding ceased slowly, because I got a gause up in my nose, soaked into some strange liquid... We begin to calm down...
So there we were, everything packed, ready to leave the hospital, it was around 3 o'clock in the afternoon. They pulled out the "butterflies" from me, but as we expected, since I don't have much thrombocytes left, even a small needle puncture bleeds for a long time. We went back to my room to get the last of our bags. Mum brought everything down to the car, I was the only one left to go ... and after that moment I remember nothing more. My mum will tell you the rest now...
I only saw that she is not standing too stable, she just said "Mum, I feel dizzy" and collapsed right there on the spot. Fortunately I managed to catch her, the bed was close, so I put her in the bed... her eyes turned up and her whole body was just so... limp, I saw that she was unconscious, so I was just screaming for the nurse to hurry... maybe because of the screaming but after just those few seconds while the nurse got to us, life was returning to her eyes and she was looking at me again... no, I just can't put into words that feeling, that fear... This was the first time I really felt that I could lose her. Maybe it was because of the blood loss, or the side effect of the chemotherapy or for lying in bed for a week... ultimately it doesn't matter why, but as I was holding her unconscious body, there's no word for it... it was horrible...
Finally we got home. We're at home, but in any moment we might need to go back. If she would got a fever, we would have to run for the hospital... So our bags are packed, we're ready to go any time. But until then, every minute here at home is a precious gift. - Z., A.